Hot n' Cold Christmas Eve

6 am.

On the way rushing back to Manila.

Had a fight with my mom.

Away from home.

Slept for 4 hours.




Went to Mall of Asia.

Ate my favorite Chicken Cordon Bleu @ iceburgs.

WATCHED AVATAR AT CENTER STAGE MOA.



TOOK OUT PASTA AND PIZZA AT SBARRO.


7 pm.

Dinner.

Novelino Sweet red wine



+

Sbarro cooked foods.


+

Movie marathon.



= Contented Christmas eve

YET

STILL

ALL

ALONE.

A Christmas for the broken families

I arrived at home after a wholesome to goodness hangout with my high school friends only to find out that my mom has her own "party" going on at our house.

Based on my experience, any party within our house organized my mom will ALWAYS end up as a DISASTER...

DISASTER meaning she and my dad fighting in the end... with the screaming and the loud screeching of the tires of a car... doors slamming... my siblings silently crying.

and you know what, this time around...

I'M ALWAYS RIGHT...

Before the "bomb" exploded I already told my brother...

"Magtago ka na... malapit na umuwi ang mga bisita... may World War na uli mamaya"

And I sure was NOT wrong about it.

Just minutes ago I heard them screaming outside our house.

It was 2 in the morning.

They were as always fighting about my mom losing money to her greedy child of a demon sister ERNA (to hell with her!) and rumbling on and on and on how my dad "supposedly" have another woman... then with my dad taking over the company and stuffs from the past.

My dad emotionally beaten with the long history he had persevere to put the company back together... I know... unintentionally hurt my mom.

You know in the episodes that I had with my parents I never did once had the courage to face them while they're fighting...

the reasons:

THEY NEVER LISTEN...

THEY ALWAYS TELL "YOU ARE JUST MY DAUGHTER!"

THEY'VE HURT EACH OTHER SOOO MUCH THERE'S NO POINT OF FINDING THE REAL CAUSE OF THE FIGHT...

THEY SIMPLY CAN'T STAND TO BE WITH EACH OTHER

I'M SIMPLY TOO AFRAID...

TOO EMOTIONALLY TAKEN...

I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT MYSELF STRONG...

I'VE ALWAYS HATED CRYING IN FRONT OF THEM.

I'VE BOTH HATED THEM.


I have no happy childhood memories of my family being together. There never was. I simply detached myself from them... ran away and hid in my room.

It has always been like that.

People would probably tell that this is just every teenager's problem.

Parents always believe that they know the best... that no matter what they do you'll forever have to respect them... respect them even if:

They drink themselves to insanity.

They don't fulfill promises.

They don't say "I love you"

When they really tried to KILL each other in front of you with your dad holding the knife to his neck...

When they always think maliciously of each other...

When everyone ELSE is at fault.

When they can't get over the past... always bringing up things that they know hurts you.

When they simply don't say anything after you worked your ass of to achieve an award...


I don't understand that why is it that I have the ever lasting obligation to show respect to these people... are parents under a monarchical position that just because they had sex and had you as their child you totally have to respect them?

People work so hard to the gain respect of another person... but as parents they could just do all that and they expect you to RESPECT them...

RESPECT is not something given...
It is gained... you work to earn it...
I don't believe that as parents you are excused for your behaviors and still demand a great utter respect despite of all...

You know the problem with my parents is that:

my mom is so malicious of everybody... of everything... she felt betrayed by her pig sister ERNA curse her to hell...

She always think that my dad's family is all against her... that actually my aunt whom she despises... asks every time I see her how my mom is... that every time I see this aunt... she'll always remind me to keep respecting my mom and be UNDERSTANDABLE...

And yet my mom says all the meanest things about her...
How could you believe your mom when you could really feel the sincerity of your aunt? How could you hate such a person? How do you choose who to believe and respect?

With my friends, I don't really respect those who talks all day long ill of another...

so why is it that such rule cannot apply to parents? When you have so high of a standard for friends and for other people... why is it that parents are infallible?

My dad... I confronted him years ago if he really has another... and he said "None" in front of me and my sister... and I believed him.

I try to.

I tried...

I do...

My mom made it so unbearable to make him stay at home...

but recently he went to Hong Kong and I called him... I didn't know he was there... and it was the first time... that I asked him where he was... that...

He HESITATED before answering my question.

I... Hate infidelity.
and yet...

I hate men leaving a woman for another. I cheaters. I hate adulterers. I hate mistresses. I hate "queridas". I hate 3rd parties.
and yet....
he always:

Fulfill his promises.

Supports my crazy projects and my studies.

provides everything I need.

and...

After all of the things that happened with him and my mom... he still reprimanded me for DISRESPECTING my mom the last time I did...

How in the hell will you hate a person who tries so hard to make things feel so good for you?

Is one mistake, if ever he really does, make all the good things seem unworthy?

"Till death do us apart" - SCREW IT!

Who will you believe?

Secrets. Past mistakes.

I don't know.

It's just that tonight... I really had it all... I'm so fed up with everything...

Tonight I finally spoke.

Tomorrow is Christmas day.

My birthday.

And it sucks.


Share yours....

Treat for special friends

This Christmas I decided to make my celebration for my birthday simple with just some friends...

I just realized that there really is no sense in celebrating too much...

I felt like something ought to change for my 19th birthday...


The first part of my celebration, I had my college friends of whom I treated at Pizza hut last Dec. 17 after our last day of Dipcor...

I would like to have my other friends come over but I just suddenly had the impulse to treat them then and there...

I never really planned it...


Days after, I planned a get together my treat again for my birthday with high school friends...

well... we initially planned to watch avatar then have our dinner... but we ended up eating dinner at Congo Grille and spending the rest of the night around seaside and having our chit-chat at starbucks....







Overall... it was great! We were fetched my dad and my sister...

Love this night....


Or so I thought it was.

Sick... So Sick

Friday.

Saturday.

Sunday.

Three days and my STOMACH is still in pain!

Darn.

Rachel my friend asked his dad (doctor).

I have spasms according to him.


Man.

Darn it!

COMGOVT project....

*guh*

Gotta survive!


STOMACH = SICK

COMGOVT = HEADACHE

WEEKEND = SO SICK

Drained the spirit of Christmas

Stressed.

Pressured.

Confused.




Drained.

Energy.

Lifeless.


Disillusioned.

Surreal.


Damn it!
I'm drained of Christmas Spirit.

Ogre from Hades,
give me back my Christmas!

When does love end? *re-post*

Saturday, June 13, 2009 at 1:16am (from my facebook account)



I won't answer questions but ask them straight from point to point.

What is the line that should not be crossed when loving someone?

Is it the family sore spots?

Is it the relationship with other friends (of the other party)?

Is it the bad habits?

Is it the past relationship stories?

Is it when they hurt you (physically)?

What is it?

If love is something abstract, and something that varies from one point to another,
is there a common denominator in between of those similarities in terms of not knowing what it is...
but on knowing what it is no more?
like... when it ends?

Is it you who sets what love is?
So does that make you have the power to set the bar for how long is enough?
Was your criteria influenced by the right people?
by the right principles?
but then again... who sets what is "right" or not?



But then again, when is it over?

Is it a sudden outburst of courage to cut ties?
To finally stop the sudden impulses of the ridiculously horse pumping of the heart?
To finally stop talking?
To finally stop seeing each other?
To finally look for another?

Usually people tend to say that love ended when you've moved on....

But is it Love that ended... or just the relationship?
Is Love and Relationship a necessity to promulgate the meaning of each word?

I can't really say....


I don't know the answer on when it ends nor on when it starts...
but maybe...
just maybe...
"Moving on" isn't the right term to say it ends here...
but maybe....
might be....
that it is...

"Moving Over" - the phrase that cherishes the past and getting ahead of it....

We are of a Broken Family (original)

I came from a broken family.

though not literally but substantially we are.

My parents are not divorced.

My parents are not annulled.

My parents are not separated.

Well... at least they are not in a literal sense.


The only thing that they are, are:

They don't sleep together.

They won't go home if the other is at home.

They always fight.

They don't talk.

They don't consult one another.

And the love they before had is no longer available.


One of them doubts the other.

One of them critics the other.

One of them annoys the other.

One of them condemns the other.

What one does to the other,

the other does the same to that 'one'.

Our family is of a broken family,
though not literally and legally...
but that's just how it is...

and this made me broken as well...

Trapped (original poetry)

(original)

Vast plains, taciturn wind,
raging sunlight....
sitting over the high grass
a woman tarnished over age
sat quietly and blankly.

What joy could it be
to travel across these plains!
To a direction afar up to
where the woman stares.

Where high golden grass grow,
insects hum its silent song,
leaves falling over the river's stream
and talking creature, living
to their life's extreme.

Places of different sceneries,
people with different stories...
Thus, making the woman sob
over the feeling of remorsed envy,
that ignited the blue flame
found deep within her
sole....